I’m going to try not to beat myself up about the fact that I am not posting nearly as much as I would like to/should. Some days I feel like given another hour I could solve world peace and other days I feel that given another hour it would just be spent with Cam and Mitch. That’s life though, right? It can’t be just me. One day you’re super productive and the next you’re just as productive as you have to be to call it a day. Lately I've been very hard on myself. I know, I know…surprising isn't it? A woman that’s hard on herself? It’s funny how everything and nothing changes at the same time. I've always been hard on myself. It’s a blessing and a curse. I’m comfortable being a constant work in progress. It makes me a better person in a lot of ways- always striving to be better than I was yesterday. It also makes it pretty hard to tell me something about myself I don’t already know. Yes, I’m a walking contradiction. I’m a dreamer and a realist. I’m opinionated and open minded. I’m bold and sensitive. I am a strong woman and I call my husband my king. I remember when I used to be hard on myself in the worst way though… when I would question my worth because of how a guy did or didn't feel about me. It makes me cringe when I think about that time and the wonderful days and nights I wasted feeling bad and putting way too much thought into someone that just wasn't right for me. Notice I didn't say said person/people are bad…they aren't. Well wait, one was a pretty bad guy, but I was also a girl with very selective hearing and memory. That combination is a ticking time bomb and when it blows up a lot of girls end up looking crazy…some even act crazy. I just looked dumb- ignoring a million red flags, naively believing in things that I shouldn't have, forgiving AND forgetting. I've had a lot of conversations that remind me of this time in my life. It’s almost a rite of passage- being blindly in love with someone. It’s also really hard to watch. I’m not sure how some women get lucky and avoid this period of their life, I've heard it’s by having a father that is very present and very loving, but I’m not about to blame daddy issues on my need for validation from all the wrong places. That would be too easy and I think people spend too much time giving blame for their weaknesses and/or wrongdoings instead of just owning them. By owning them, we grant ourselves the power to overcome them. Ultimately, this is your life to live and your love to have with someone…don’t give that power to anyone else but yourself.
Today you’re having happy hour with her, the friend
When I say friend- I mean real friend…the kind that tell you the truth because they love and respect you and want the best for you. Don’t get me wrong, a real friend is also the kind that understands that sometimes people have to learn their own lessons. I was offered some amazing advice and rejected most of it. Don’t do what I did. Listen to good advice. One step away from a bad relationship is one step closer to a good one. I know, but you want a good relationship with him. Well, respecting yourself is one step closer to that, too.
Below you will find the love lessons I learned over the years. There is nothing worse than the preaching married woman when you’re single, I get that. It’s why I didn't originally post this. Then I thought about it and realized there isn't a “right” person to hear it from. You just need to hear it. I’m not pitying you, I’m not telling you I have it all figured out…I’m simply sharing what I've learned and hoping I can save you the time, energy, money (trips and alcohol can really add up) and pain it cost me to learn them. Another reason I want to share these lessons is because I've also learned that finding the right man can be hard, but marriage is harder. That’s why you want to make sure you invest in the right person for you, one that is deserving of all the love you will give them and one that is ready to put in as much work as you are. Marrying the right person, my person, was the best decision I ever made. Choosing the wrong person will make everything else infinitely more difficult….so don’t do it!
A man that loves you isn't going to let you go
We have all heard this, but it’s because its true- a man that loves you wouldn't risk losing you for anything. He just needs space? It’s not the right time? He wants to live a little before he settles down? No, he wants to see if there is something better out there and/or he’s not entirely happy with you. I know that hurt to hear, but the good news is- it has nothing to do with you. It doesn't change how absolutely amazing you are. Most people only marry 1-2 people in their lifetime, so you are going to be wrong for most of the people you date. Don’t take it that personal. I remember I was talking to a guy friend of mine about Mystery Man when we were broken up (probably for like the 7th time, no red flag there) and I told him that I just felt like MM and I were meant to be together and he told me, “if he thought you were meant to be together, you would be together…it’s not that complicated for guys”. Along these lines…
Men know how to treat you
Don’t let them fool you; a man knows how to treat a woman. They may not know the exact way you like to be loved (aka “love language”), but they know when to call and text, they know a girl wants to go on dates and they know we like to know they’re thinking of us…it’s not rocket science. If he isn't treating you like a girlfriend it’s because he doesn't want you to be in a relationship with you. If he isn't calling you his girlfriend to other people, it’s because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. If you've been “hanging out” for months and think it’s about time to have that talk- it’s not. You don’t need to have “the talk” with a guy that wants to be with you. He’s going to make sure you know that he wants to be with you. Have you ever heard of “the talk” going well? If you have to ask, you already know you’re answer. He may sugar coat it, but it will still end with you not being his girlfriend. That sounded harsh, but it is the most time and emotion-saving lesson to learn. They aren't just really busy with work. They aren't just really busy with friends. They just don’t want to be in a relationship with you. (This is when my best friend would start singing “onto the next one, onto the next one” and we’d go out.)
Men want to involve you in their life
Men that are serious about you want you to be a part of their life. They want you to hang with their friends, they want you to meet their family, and they want to be a part of yours. ‘If you are a secret, please know that you’re probably not the only one.” (Follow @TonyGaskins on insta!)
Men know when you’re locked in.
Oh you've let him cheat or lie or break up with you a million times and you still take him back? You think that makes him appreciate how much you love him, but really it just lets him know what your limits are…and he knows that you don’t have one when it comes to him. He can do whatever he wants and you’ll still take him back. You may think this makes you a loyal woman, but it also makes you a doormat. I’m speaking as a former doormat, so I’m not judging you. I just want you to know that he’s not just treating you poorly; you’re letting him treat you poorly. You deserve to be treated well. Another great piece of advice I received was that being treated well should be the bare minimum. If he doesn't even treat you well then why the heck are you with him? And I mean CONSISTENTLY treating you well. He’s nice for a week and then ignores you the next week? “Boy, Bye.”
Just because they come back, doesn't mean they love you.
From what I've seen, men come back to women for one of three reasons- they love them, it’s convenient/he’s lonely or the sex is good/easy. If they love you, they will come back and treat you like it. If it’s convenient and/or he’s lonely, he will come back but nothing will change. If the sex is good/easy, they won’t commit but will try to make the grey area after a break up last as long as possible. I know, I know…but you want to have sex, too. You know what feels better than sex with an ex? Knowing you have something that they want but can’t have AND moving on. I think ex sex is a terrible, terrible idea. Do not let someone break up with you and then still reap the benefits of being with you. Don’t make them feel like it was that good, ladies! There are plenty of other willing options in the world and if you aren't up for adding another number to your list (safely!) that does not mean you should relinquish your goods to the person that just said everything else isn't worth the effort. If a man wants you back, watch carefully (don’t bother listening…see below). I "got back" almost every guy that broke up with me and I could probably write a 'how-to" post on it, but just don't bother. Don't try to play the game right so they come back. Ex them out of your life and move on...you only want them to come back if it's for the right reasons. I hear the right reasons are out there and I've seen friends get back with their man and end up happy. I just ended up prolonging the break up and wasting more time.
Men love in action
I think it’s pretty clear by now, but men that love you- treat you like they love you. Watch how they treat you, don’t listen to what they say (I mean listen to the good ones, but you know what I mean) because…
Players sell dreams
I remember I used to justify a lot of MMs actions because of what he would tell me. I mean, who would look another person straight in their eyes and tell them they loved them if they didn't? Who would make empty promises? I’m honest to a fault, so I just couldn't comprehend someone telling me so many sweet things if they weren't true. I used to think that players were just the kind of guys that went through a lot of women, but there are plenty of guys that will be upfront with you and tell you that they aren't looking for a relationship and just want to have fun- those aren't players. Players play you…and they play you by telling you whatever they have to in order to keep you happy so they can do whatever they want.
Men will deny, deny, deny…
Go with your gut, most guys aren't going to tell you that your suspicions are correct because they will wait until there is absolutely no way out. There isn't much more to say other than our intuition is a gift. Plus, if you’re waiting for someone to clue you in know that people probably won’t tell you…no one wants to get involved and you probably won’t listen anyway.
And finally,
You marry the man you date
Nope, he doesn't go through some huge transformation as you place the ring on his finger. The man that treated you terribly while you dated isn't going to suddenly treat you like his queen. You teach each other how you expect to be treated when you’re dating. I've heard a couple guys say they are single until they are married, meaning that once they are married they will treat their lady right. I always wonder how they expect a woman to want to marry them if they treat her wrong for so long. I also always wonder how long that marriage would last- 2 years...maybe 7 depending on if there are kids involved? Ladies, marrying you is an honor and a huge responsibility. You want to be sure the man you marry has your back, respects you, is your best friend and is in love with you. How can you be sure of this if he’s disrespected you throughout your months/years together?
I remember the last thing I said to MM was, “I’m not THAT stupid,” as I hung up the phone. Later that morning a bunch of his lies came to light (remember, what is done in the dark ALWAYS comes to light) and it just hit me…he thinks I’m that stupid and I gave him every reason to. I wish I could say it was like a light bulb went off, but it was more like a ton of bricks fell on top of me. I looked at the calendar and realized I had been dealing with this for two plus years and it was the same situation I was in when we first started dating. I was the best friend to him, I had his back and loved him unconditionally…and he treated me worse than any person in my entire life. I let him. Don’t waste years of your life giving someone the best of you when they don’t deserve it. Instead:
1. Pray.
2. Hang with your best friends…and wine.
3. Travel…with your best friends…and wine.
4. Watch Modern Family, Ellen and/or The Real …with your best friends…and wine.
5. Get up and get ready- I know, but I’m serious….looking good feels good
6. Delete him from everything. For so many reasons…
- Let him miss you
- You aren't going to see anything that makes you feel better
- If he wants to reach you, he will find a way
- He doesn't need to know what you’re up to- mystery is good.
- He knows you’re hot
- It’s really obvious when you’re posting to make him jealous and it gives him power
8. Think- what would Beyonce do? Listen to a LOT of Beyonce....with your friends...and wine.
9. Happiness is the best revenge. You don’t need to hit low blows or remind him how wonderful you are or be crazy…in fact, don’t. Be classy. Have grace. Move on. He lost a best friend and good woman that treated him well and you lost a dude that treated you poorly most of the time. Who really lost in this situation? Learn what you can from it, move on and go be happy. That happiness might soon include a very attractive best friend. One that you will fall madly in love with and build an amazing life and family with…don’t settle.
9. Happiness is the best revenge. You don’t need to hit low blows or remind him how wonderful you are or be crazy…in fact, don’t. Be classy. Have grace. Move on. He lost a best friend and good woman that treated him well and you lost a dude that treated you poorly most of the time. Who really lost in this situation? Learn what you can from it, move on and go be happy. That happiness might soon include a very attractive best friend. One that you will fall madly in love with and build an amazing life and family with…don’t settle.
10. Know you are a blessing, not a burden. No one is doing you a favor by hanging out with you (unless you are in a room with Beyonce right now...), so if you start feeling like you have to entertain someone then drop them and start back at #1...with friends...and wine.
I love you, beautiful woman.
Cheers!
(look, you're so hot you lit this martini I got from Pinterest on fire.)
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